Quantum of Solace Review

Verdict: Utter genero-action film.

Oh boy. This is gonna be a tough one. Maybe I should do a Zero Punctuation thing, and make this into a mini-podcast of my hatred for this film. Then again, my microphone is broken, so I’ll make do with this keyboard. This is basically a lesson in how not to make a Bond film. Go back to the Sean Connery days of Bond, and there are 3 things that are apparent in every film; social stealth, gadgets (including cool cars), and finally a certain level of suave-ness. Quantum of Solace has none of these. There’s not a single scene without action, which I would usually appreciate, but the fact this means a sacrifice of story and character development means I began to loathe the non-stop gunfest that is “Quantum.”

Moving on, Daniel Craig is the most unenthusiastic Bond I have ever seen, trumping my deep-seated enmity towards Pierce Brosnan. Aside from the non-stop pouting, he’s now a cold-blooded, merciless terminator. In every other scene he either kills innocent policemen just trying to do their job, or performs some feat that would require the strength of Hulk Hogan to do in real life. An example would be when he sends a motorcycle flipping through the air by simply slapping the handlebars with his palm. Or when he snaps off a metal doorknob with apparently no effort. Finally, if you’re going to have Craig scarred, bruised and bloody after every scene, make sure there’s continuity. Last time I remembered, you can’t heal multiple lacerations to the face in less than 24 hours.

In fact, I no longer classify the Bond series as original. The fact that if you put Quantum of Solace and Bourne Ultimatum together and can’t see the difference (like me) greatly pisses me off. And they didn’t even plagiarise correctly! Where Ultimatum had a strong story which actually provided proper motivation for the protagonist, Quantum of Solace provides the plotline “Holy shit there’s some baddies in some South American country let’s go shoot them!” As for the use of “all 4 elements” that the director never shuts up about in his interviews, no-one gives a shit whether the action is at sea or on land, as long as it’s good. In fact, it seems they’re trying to compensate for the dire story by throwing on so many novelties that it just gets boring. Director: If you switch to a different country every 10 minutes, you lose the effect.

Well, I’m past my preferred word count of 400, but you need to be warned about this film. Even if you didn’t go to the cinema to see it, and are just wondering whether to pirate it or not, don’t. Actually, do. It’ll rob the director of the money he doesn’t deserve. Note: this is in no way an endorsement of piracy, just a joke. *Cough*

Hancock review

One of my most anticipated films is Watchmen, becuase it deals with the idea of superheroes becoming more like unstoppable fascists, superior to mere mortals. I thought Hancock’s story would be along similar lines, just reversed, with him despised by the people he’s trying to save. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a steaming pile of-

Anyway, let’s deal with the technical aspects of the film – production design is boring, camerawork was tedious, sets unconvincing, performances rubbish, special effects average, character development was almost non-existent and there was not a single funny joke in the whole fucking film. Hancock starts off with a dead-beat hero hated by all for being shit at his job, and he remains shit throughout the film. I disliked the character throughout the whole film, and felt totally disconnected, almost pleased when he died. Oh  wait, he doesn’t. Towards the end of the film you think they were going to go in a whole new direction by having the protagonists die, but it turns out that they survive, despite the plot of the film stating they should fucking die.

It’s equivalent to HAL suddenly rebooting at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then again, they probably just wanted to have the option of making a piss-poor sequel then releasing it during a national holiday so the director has some more money to buy alcohol and can stay off the streets. Where he belongs.